Scary Monsters August ’25 Preview (partial)

Alice Ann sees no reason to reinvent the wheel—especially when the wheel is already fabulous. She’s perfectly content with who she is, thank you very much, and has no interest in toning it down, smoothing out her edges, or pretending to care about things she doesn’t. She knows exactly what she likes (blazers with shoulder pads, strong opinions, and a good iced tea) and exactly who she is. If that ruffles feathers, well, those folks can go flap somewhere else. Life’s too short to shrink, and Alice Ann is expanding unapologetically.

$650

Andri has always been a bit of a curmudgeon—gruff, short-tempered, and allergic to small talk. He runs a cozy little café where he mostly keeps to himself, grumbling behind the espresso machine and giving side-eye to anyone who dares order an overly complicated drink. But recently, after reluctantly posting a few moody, brooding selfies and snarky captions on the café’s social media, he’s become an unexpected internet crush. Now, customers come not just for the coffee, but to catch a glimpse of their favorite grumpy barista-turned-thirst-trap. Andri pretends to be annoyed… but his latte art is looking suspiciously more heart-shaped these days.

$1,200

Cara is the epitome of a tween—constantly exasperated by her parents’ every move and perpetually mortified by their existence in public. Don’t even get her started on her younger brother, who she’s convinced was put on Earth solely to ruin her life. She communicates mostly in eye rolls and heavy sighs, and her most prized possession is her Stanley tumbler, which she guards like it’s the Hope Diamond.

$300

Celia-Mae is pure sunshine and rainbows—mercifully without the cloying perkiness that usually comes with it. She has a sixth sense for knowing when someone needs a smile, a solid bear hug, or a warm pastry (often all three). Her hugs are legendary, her baked goods are borderline therapeutic, and her pep talks come with just the right amount of sass. Whether it’s a rough Monday or a heartbreak Wednesday, Celia-Mae shows up with snacks, serotonin, and zero judgment—just good vibes and crumbs.

$450

Don is a rascal in the very best sense—sharp-tongued, endlessly curious, and always three steps ahead of whatever mischief is about to go down. He’s the guy who suggests a “quick detour” that turns into a three-hour escapade, or signs up for something just because it “might be funny.” Equal parts charming and unpredictable, Don manages to stay one laugh ahead of disaster, skating the line between out of control and just plain delightful. Everyone knows if Don’s involved, it’s going to be a story worth telling.

$375

Dory is all about her pets—every last one of them. She’s taken in every stray, feathered, furred, or slightly suspicious-looking, that’s ever crossed her path. Her home is less “house” and more “chaotic rescue sanctuary,” complete with mystery smells, the constant clatter of paws, and a soundtrack of squawks, meows, and barks. Somehow, Dory thrives in the madness, claiming she knows each pet’s unique personality—though even she admits she might’ve lost count.

$1100

Fisher is a programmer—logical, efficient, a man of tidy code and well-organized sock drawers. His life has always run like a well-oiled machine: precise routines, bulletproof meal prepping, even his houseplants are on a spreadsheet. But then came Celia-Mae, all sunshine, glitter, and crinkly-eyed smiles, and suddenly Fisher can’t remember which variables he named what. He first saw her laughing in the office break room and has been absolutely befuddled ever since. Now his programs have typos, his sleep schedule is off, and he’s Googling things like “how to casually talk to someone who smells like pastries.”

$400

Holden can’t help getting in trouble—it’s like a reflex at this point. He was recently expelled from school and, honestly, he’s thrilled. Who needs a diploma when you’ve got a sharp tongue and a strong opinion about how phony everything is? Growing up seems like a scam to Holden—he’d rather spend his time loitering, daydreaming, and dissecting the absurdity of adulthood with anyone who’ll listen… or just himself.

tongue removable

$325

Jolanda is what kind people would describe as “a bit flighty” and what most people call “harebrained.” She’s constantly overwhelmed, always three steps behind, and perpetually surprised by things she definitely should have remembered. Her purse is a black hole of half-written to-do lists and rogue granola bars, and while she means well, following through just isn’t her strong suit. She keeps everyone on their toes—and occasionally in stitches—with her wonderfully unpredictable energy.

$400

Jonathan has been a showman from an early age—with a bellowing, theatrical voice and an innate flair for the dramatic, he’s a natural on any stage. Whether performing Shakespeare, belting out show tunes, or narrating a trip to the grocery store, he turns everything into a production. He thrives on applause, lives for attention, and owns more costume pieces than actual clothes. His singing is legitimately impressive—powerful, emotional, occasionally spine-tingling—if not for the unfortunate amount of spittle that accompanies every high note. Front row seating? Consider it a splash zone.

crown removable

$1100

Lavender is the easiest kid in her big, loud family—chill, funny, and surprisingly agreeable for a toddler with four older siblings. She goes with the flow, rarely makes a fuss, and generally charms everyone in a five-mile radius. That is, until someone suggests she put down George, her well-worn, ever-present stuffie. George is not just a toy—he’s a confidant, a pillow, a shield, and a non-negotiable travel companion. If George isn’t invited, Lavender isn’t coming. End of discussion.

$800

Lionel—Leo to his friends and family—is utterly, wildly obsessed with soccer. If there’s a ball within reach, it’s at his feet, on his knee, or bouncing off his head. He talks tactics in his sleep, has memorized every stat of his favorite teams, and can’t walk past a patch of grass without trying to nutmeg someone. Conversations not involving soccer are tolerated, but only barely. Try to bring up anything else and you’ll be met with a polite nod… followed by a deep dive into World Cup highlights.

$325

Marge’s favorite thing in the world is being an aunt—it’s all the fun of parenting without the 24/7 responsibility. She’s the legendary Aunty who tells wildly inappropriate fart jokes, lets the kids stay up too late, and has no shame in serving gummy bears and ice cream for dinner. She shows up to school concerts with cowbells, throws the best birthday parties, and is generally considered a delight by her nieces and nephews… and a mild terror by her siblings.

$425

Mateo has a swagger and a larger-than-life personality—he struts like he owns the sidewalk and talks like he’s narrating a movie trailer. Bigger than Texas and more charming than Burt Reynolds with a fresh blowout, he leaves a trail of smirks, eye rolls, and secret crushes in his wake. He’s equal parts showman and sweetheart, the kind of guy who can talk his way out of a parking ticket and into a stranger’s dinner party. Is it too much? Absolutely. Does it work? Every time.

cowboy hat removable

$750

Maxine lives for the sacred hour when she can peel off her too-tight shoes, slide into her worn-in bunny slippers, and collapse onto the couch like a Victorian fainting lady. A generous glass of red in one hand, remote in the other, she’s officially off-duty. The stresses of the day—work drama, group texts, mystery fridge smells—fade away as soon as the Love Island theme kicks in. Interruptions are not tolerated; this is her personal Superbowl. She may be mild-mannered by day, but come showtime, she’s a wine-wielding gladiator of reality TV.

$1200

Mick would really prefer that everyone like him—like, genuinely like him. He’ll nod along, play peacemaker, and happily eat whatever’s easiest for the group. It’s not performative, either. He’s always been the chill guy, the go-with-the-flow type, and he wears it like a badge of honor. Just ask his parents, who will wax poetic about what a delightfully low-maintenance baby he was. Whether it’s brunch plans or spiraling group chats, Mick’s the guy smoothing it all over with a smile and a “whatever works!”

$375

Nanette likes things just so. She’s not technically bossy, but let’s just say when she says “you might want to,” what she actually means is “do it exactly this way or I will silently judge you forever.” It’s all delivered with a warm smile and the cadence of helpful advice, but make no mistake—Nanette’s way is the right way, and she’s already rearranging your dishwasher in her head.

$300

Ramona is a bit of a flirt—okay, maybe more than a bit. She has charm for days, a laugh that lingers, and a wink that could convince you to buy whatever she’s selling, even if it’s just her latest wild dating story. Deep down, she’s searching for that elusive, lasting love, but the shadow of her seven exes (yes, seven) looms large. Each one left their mark—some sweet, some ridiculous, all memorable—and she’s still figuring out how to untangle the past from the future. For now, she’s content with a good cocktail, a killer smile, and the hope that number eight might finally stick.

$500

Renée has been on a lifelong quest to figure it all out—she’s backpacked through three continents, tried on more careers than she has shoes, and dabbled in everything from crystal healing to quantum physics. Through all the searching, questioning, and occasional existential spirals, Renee has landed in a place of genuine peace. She’s not claiming to have all the answers (though she’s got some theories), but she does know this: life is weird and wonderful, and she’s exactly where she’s supposed to be.

birthday hat removable

$750

Santiago has a lust for life that’s absolutely contagious. A whiz in the kitchen and a maestro with a paella pan, he throws boisterous, laughter-filled parties where no one leaves hungry—or without a new friend. His gatherings are a whirlwind of delicious food, clinking glasses, spontaneous dancing, and endless warmth. Whether you’re a longtime pal or a total stranger, Santiago will greet you like family and feed you like royalty. His secret ingredient? Pure, unfiltered joy.

$350

Terrance has always been the quiet type—bookish, polite, and excellent at avoiding attention. But ever since Renee moved in next door with her whirlwind energy, tales of world travels, and infectious laugh, Terrance has been completely thrown off his game. He now spends an absurd amount of time near the mailbox, watering already-soaked plants and pretending he’s not rehearsing lines in his head. He’s utterly smitten but can barely string two sentences together when she’s around. Still, he’s convinced that someday he’ll find the courage to ask her to dinner. Maybe.

heart removable, discounted due to wobble

$600

Victor can’t stop talking politics—but it’s not all doom and gloom. He’s passionate, well-read, and genuinely believes in making the world a better place. Sure, his dinner table rants are legendary and his group texts are basically op-eds, but beneath the bluster is someone who really cares. His family teases him endlessly, but they also rely on him to explain what the heck is going on in the world. He may be intense, but Victor’s the kind of guy who’ll march, vote, and still bring the best casserole to the potluck.

$400